How to Stop Judging Yourself for Not Being a Calm Parent 

Parenting Perspective 

Wanting to be a calm parent is not just about emotional control, it is about love. It means you care enough to wish your child received your best self, even on your worst days. So when that calmness slips, and irritation or shouting takes its place, it is natural to feel ashamed. However, understanding will help you grow. 

Every parent carries a vision of the kind of parent they want to be. But that vision often forms in a vacuum, without accounting for exhaustion, sleep-deprivation, past trauma, sensory overload, financial stress, or the invisible emotional load you carry every single day. When you judge yourself without considering those realities, you are not being fair, you are being cruel to someone who is already trying their hardest. 

Redirecting the Inner Voice 

To stop judging yourself, you need to change the language which you use or assume in your mind. 

Try replacing: 

• ‘I failed again’ with → ‘That moment was hard. I lost balance. I can learn from this.’ 

• ‘I am ruining my child’ with → ‘My child is seeing what it means to be human, and to try again.’ 

• ‘I will never get this right’ with → ‘Every tough moment teaches me more about what I need, and how I can grow.’ 

This change of speech keeps you on the path, with more truth and less self-punishment. 

What Your Child Actually Remembers 

Children are incredibly forgiving, but more importantly, they are relational learners. If they see you express frustration and later come back with gentleness, apology, or reconnection, that becomes part of their emotional blueprint. 

You may not always be calm but if you are willing to repair, wish to reflect, and want to return with softness, then your child is still learning the most important emotional lessons that are humility, accountability, and resilience. 

Spiritual Insight 

Judging yourself harshly after a moment of emotional struggle is not a sign of humility, it can be a whisper of Shaytan trying to convince you that your flaws make you unworthy of growth or divine mercy. Islam offers a different lens: your mistakes are not what disqualify you. They are often what draw you nearer to Allah Almighty, if you respond with sincerity. 

A Reminder That Allah Replaces Evil Deeds with Good 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), verse 70: 

“Except for the one who sought repentance, and believed (in the truth), and enacted virtuous deeds; so for those people, Allah (Almighty) shall substitute (and extinguish) their evil deeds with good deeds; and Allah (Almighty) is All Forgiving and All Merciful.” 

Allah does not just forgive. He replaces past shortcomings with reward when you return sincerely. Even the sharp word. Even the sigh of frustration. 

The Prophetic Model: Regret is Repentance 

It is recorded in Sunan Abi Dawud that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

“Regret is repentance.” 

[Sunan Abi Dawud, 4941] 

If there are moments to regret, even before the words of apology leave your lips, know that your return has already begun. The door is open. Let that truth soften the voice of judgement inside you. Let it remind you: you are still worthy of love, of growth, of becoming that calm parent, not because you have never failed, but because you keep returning.